My struggle with food shame and loving my body at 48.

My fitness and nutrition journey has been a wild ride of ups and downs over the last 15 years, much like entrepreneurship. 

I'm digging into my experience with food shame/guilt, my struggle with the scale and how I'm loving my body at 48 more than I did at 28.

Grab a HelloAmino tea latte and let's dive in.

I remember becoming aware of my body when I was in grade 8. I overheard my first boyfriend at the time commenting to his friends about how big my butt was. For the next 30 plus years I would need to work on how I felt about my behind.

It was then that I decided to start counting calories and skipping breakfast.

However in my 20's I wouldn't think twice about starting my morning with a piece of banana bread or muffin and caramel macchiato.

In my mid twenties I started running and became a cardio junkie until mid 30's. I got into running when I quit smoking and that was my main form of exercise with a little zumba and Turbo Jam with Chalene Johnson sprinkled in (do you remember those?!).

I swapped out my banana bread/muffin for an English muffin and Tim's double double thinking those were a better choice. And the weight started to pile on as I got into my early 30's. 

So, I started to ration what I ate. I remember allowing myself 2 Ryvita crackers and a slice of cheddar cheese for lunch and ditched breakfast all together. By then I was also finishing my day with a double G&T and of course my nightly wine.

This is when the guilt and shame really started to creep in and running no longer made a difference.

I started to have health problems in my mid 30's which forced me into an elimination diet, my first of two. Which in turn had me cutting back my alcohol significantly and ditching the English muffins and sugary coffee. 

I dropped about 30 lbs and this is when I met Mclain. 

When I met him in 2011 he introduced me to weight lifting and I've never looked back. I finally had someone that could tell me exactly what to do in the gym.

However, exercise is such a small portion of the journey with my body. What I ate and drank was what impacted it more than anything else, both positively and negatively.

In 2019 I was at one of my highest weights, bloated and self loathing after a decade of nightly wine.

Because intermittent fasting was so trendy I was able to give myself full permission to take breakfast firmly off the table and label it "healthy". 

I was tracking my macros eating between 800-1000 calories of food to make up the remaining 400-600 in wine. I was working out 6 days a week, 2 days of HIIT and 4 days strength plus walking over 10k steps a day and I was at my highest weight and my lowest self esteem.

I would shame myself every night about what I ate or drank and promise myself tomorrow I would do better. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror, refused to step on the scale and would wear baggy clothes.

Despite living in Mexico at the time I would avoid going to the beach or pool so I didn't have to get in a bikini. I remember going to the beach with friends one day and "accidentally" (on purpose) forgetting my bathing suit so I wouldn't have to wear one.

Even worse, during this time I was coaching women through their own health and fitness journey and I felt like a fraud. 

I was finally able to ditch the drink in 2019 giving me freedom from shame and instantly dropping weight. The book, Kick the drink easily by Jason Vale is what changed everything for me.

Once booze was off the table I was able to replace it with food and eat more than I ever had. The muscle started to pop through and I could finally see my years of work in the gym.

For the last 4 years I've had to deal with my changing hormones as the stress of the pandemic pushed me into early menopause. With that came sleepless nights, weight gain, pain in my joints and depression. All making it difficult to workout and eat well. 

This is when I started HelloAmino. I was so tired of eating chicken to hit my 145g protein goal and desperately wanted to be able to enjoy a cookie without the guilt and shame. I realized after years of coaching women that they too felt the same.

I realized by creating these high protein treats I could start enjoying the foods I had been avoiding my entire adult life AND feel good about it!

Fast forward to today. If I said I still didn't struggle with my body/weight I would be lying and this is the biggest tip/takeaway I can give you.

You will ALWAYS find fault with your body, no matter how skinny/fit you are if that is what you keep looking for.

At my strongest I wasn't lean enough.

At my leanest I wasn't strong enough and was self conscious about my chest size.

There is no perfect body. 

How I've come to accept my body and love it more than ever before is from spending the last 2 years working on myself and my marriage. Improving my mental health and my relationship with my husband through intentional psychedelic therapy ultimately is what allowed self acceptance of my body.

I hope my story has helped you feel seen and perhaps more "normal". Sometimes it's nice to know we aren't alone in the struggle with food and our bodies.

If there's one thing I can recommend to improve your relationship with you body it's work on your mental health. Reducing stress is the best thing you can do for your body, sleep, relationships and overall health. 

Find a modality that helps you do that, whether it be meditation, walking, talk therapy, microdosing etc. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my journey. 💛

Be sure you're following me on Instagram for more simple high protein recipes, nutrition tips and the truth about life as a post menopause high achieving woman.

xo Aelie